Well I did not see myself here.
My best friend, business partner, sould mate and wife is gone. In her place a stranger. Our love, trust and closeness gone. Bang. Everything I thought was in my future, gone.
The last five or so years have been fun and challenging in equal measure. Making many memories and going on many adventures. However also my Mum has been unwell and last year she sadly passed away. I also lost my Aunt. All this was after my wife had several years of sickness that resulted in numerous hospital appointments. Ultimately that led to cancer and surgery. Thinking back, that is an awful lot to carry in a few years. None of it happened to me though, so I just carried it and cared for all those around me. Until now when the weight got too much.
Then when all those things were over and gone, when the dust settled I fell apart. I couldn’t work, I realised I was falling apart and didn’t know how to look after myself. Tables turned and my position as carer was gone and I was a mess. Crying in bed, no idea what to do with my life. Grieving my Mum. My wife, just pushing me to decide what to do next and to get up.
I also know I pushed her. One time I got angry. I will always regret that, but I also know it isn’t normal and not how or who I am. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Going to LFEST so soon after losing my Mum, a place where I had brought her the previous year to enjoy the festival. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind but as always I was putting everyone else ahead of me. Keep calm and carry on. Only you can’t. Emotions bottle up inside. Looking back that day, that was the beginning of the end for sure. The start of a number of challenges that neither of us was strong enough to take on.
I didn’t have the support I needed unfortunately, I don’t blame my ex. Our relationship was never that way. I was the carer and I know how hard it is to swap places; plus she was still recovering herself. But I didn’t expect to be attacked by a counsellor who didn’t take the time to hear the whole story. Looking back she definitely didn’t help matters. 1 hour and she summarised my ex’s views of me as this: an anti-social control freak with anger issues.
That cut deep. I was grieving so of course I was angry and I had no job, no income so I couldn’t socialise. I was in need of support and there was none around me. I shut down after that session. My wife pushed me away and pushed me into situations I didn’t want to be in, including going to Spain with Lauren. I was in such a state my Dad had to drive me to the airport and I couldn’t find my driving license to pick up my hire car (which I later found in my pocket). With no money, and no direction I was at a lesbian festival self-catering. All I wanted to do was talk things through but she refused. I spun out, I spun out some more. I was lost. Then I had my birthday alone in Spain. It was whilst I was there that I realised I couldn’t see a future as the trust was gone, and so I ended things on my birthday. I gave myself the closure I needed.
I am worried I will shut down, that I will struggle to trust. You think you’re marrying forever. You give 100% and you trust your partner, then they break that trust and what is left? But when you lose a parent you realise that life is too short to chase things that are no longer there.
I entered into a monogomous marriage. I only ever thought of that. Then in the midst of grief my wife throws a curveball of needing more and wanting to explore polyamory. It was more than I could even think about right now. What would you do with that?! Then when we go to counselling to discuss that, instead I am personally attacked. That was the end of everything we had.
So here I am, single… well not exactly… this is not a sad story but a story of transformation. The irony of my ex forcing me to go to Spain was that she helped me reconnect with someone from my past. I was single for just a few days in Barcelona before heading to Ibiza. My friend Stacy supported me and made sure my birthday wasn’t a complete wash out. Just when I thought my heart was going to turn to stone and I was going to close off and be unable to trust anyone… a blast from the past swept in and showed me complete and utter honesty and transparency. So I’m taking the opportunity and seeing where it leads.
I won’t let this close my heart. I will love again.
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