2021 has been a year of discovery for me. Ok so I know, it has taken me 39 years to understand me – but that apparently is pretty normal for women with autism according to hundreds of news and lifestyle articles I’m seeing these days.
Yes I am autistic. So how did I discover this and what does it mean?
Well I have always struggled socially, for example I will often miss the joke and answer it. Infuriating past partners who just want to have a laugh (sorry!). I also spin out if my routine gets messed up, or if people aren’t communicating. Communication, or the lack of, is a huge trigger. This is probably the biggest learning and most helpful thing to understand. Communication it appears is everything.
In 2016 I learned that whilst I am able to love, support and care for those I love; if they hurt me or break the trust that I can shut down and walk away as if nothing happened. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, and it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, but trust is important.
So how did I find out about my autism? Well I have been blessed to be surrounded by some fantastic women through running Lesflicks; and it seems many are neuro-diverse. One such person to pass through the team was Catie, a twice exceptional autistic trans lesbian. She recognised some of the symptoms, and helped me to explore these and work out whether I was autistic.
An Aspergers test was the first one I did; which I scored pretty highly on. However Catie encouraged me to continue to explore and it is likely I have a couple of (possibly conflicting) traits.
The test for Autism came back as: You exhibit some fairly moderate to strong Asperger’s Symptoms. When it comes to Cognitive, behavioral and communication skills, you seem to be quite lacking in some of these areas compared to other adults. It is quite likely that you may have (or already had) relationship problems that are typical to people exhibiting your category of symptoms.
I did a test for Attention Deficit Disorder in women. I scored 52 out of 72. A lot of the questions really made me think and resonated with me. I contacted my GP to request a referral for a formal diagnosis – only to be told Lewisham only has one adult specialist and there is a waiting list of over 2 years. So I need to keep findin self-support for now.
I did a test for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and scored a high 41 out of 60. Given the loss of my Mum followed in quick succession by the end of my marriage and the loss of most of my friends I am not surprised that this has manifested in this way. In fact, it was actually quite reassuring to understand perhaps some of the reactions I have. Understanding this means I can ensure those around me understand potential triggers.
During the pandemic things got particularly stressful and I developed a stim. Randomly whistling, and not the fun or wolf whistle type. A random single tone. Very strange! As my stress levels faded, the stim did too. So now I am aware that this is something to keep an eye out for as an indicator of reaching my stress limits.
I do wish I knew this earlier, it could have changed how I ended relationships. But it is what it is, and now I’m just trying to be mindful and focus on me.
For the first time in many, many years I find myself single and for the first time in a long time, looking after and putting myself first. Maybe if I had done this before, or had a partner that didn’t need so much care and support, I may have noticed earlier. Either way, I’m now on the journey of self-discovery and development.
I’ve done a lot of researching and am learning about what this means. Through that research I’ve realised I mask a lot.
My new favourite quote is from The Chase star Anne Hegerty. The Chase star Anne Hegerty has revealed that being autistic has had a negative impact on her love life. The game show quizzer, 62 – who was diagnosed with autism in her mid-40s – said being on the spectrum has made it hard for her to “hold down relationships. When she first announced she was autistic a journalist asked her how long she had suffered with autism, to which she replied:
“I don’t suffer from autism, I suffer from stupid people”
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