Today saw some progress towards resolution and closure. I decided to break the cycle and try to stop the hurt. I called out the negative correspondence we both were sending, and gave context to the communication. I explained how and why I was hurting and how she was hurting me. What resulted was a de-escalation of the cycle of hurting each other whilst corresponding on the necessary ending.
I was surprised to hear that she thought we would work through things after the counselling; this makes the subsequent reaction to my deciding to end things make more sense now looking back. I didn’t really understand why when she instigated the end at the counselling and by walking out, that she reacted so strongly to me confirming the end and putting a final end to things.
This admission by her gave me some much needed understanding where I had previously had confusion. Processing this new information, I felt a wave of extreme loss and sadness as this helped me to understand the situation. That loss was followed however by calm, clarity and certainty. For the first time I was putting me first and whilst I was sad that this was where we ended up, I was able to accept that and start to move forward separate. I could not grieve before for many reasons including complete confusion at the polar reactions she gave me. Now I understand where they came from, I could process that grief.
There has also been another challenge, which I continue to work through. You see there are 2 women I am grieving at the same time; my Mum and my ex-wife. Two important losses, but two very different situations. I’ve often felt the death of my Mum was easier to come to terms with, because it was inevitable and it was her time. She didn’t chose to leave and she didn’t want to. My ex chose to and continues to live on without me. She continues to exist. I feel great conflict over this imbalance of grief, as I feel I should struggle more about my Mum. I’m not saying I’m not missing her, but it is a different grief. I try to remind myself of this, and to be kind to myself.
I have great regret for my actions at LFEST and looking back I realise I should have had more support and stepped back earlier. But I also know that my ex’s actions and reactions following this incident, given my grief were disproportionate to this one action and her actions and decisions taken from that moment started the end. I also know that I didn’t have the support that I needed to process the grief.
I have learnt a lot from this year, and I have a lot more grieving to do; but I also need to learn to love again and to let people in. People who will support me, as a relationship is two-way. I will always go the extra mile for friends and family. Offer emotional, physical and financial support. I will advocate for my communicate and continue to live by my strong values. But I will only give that time and energy where it is reciprocated. A partnership is two way in equal measure. The support may ebb and flow depending on each person’s life and experiences but if it cannot ebb and flow and remains unbalanced I will step away from that space and that person.
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